i feel disgusted when i see people/strangers' faces, i like my peak antisocial behaviour because i was always a bit troubled by my loneliness or being alone. even when i was by myself, i wanted a stranger to perceive me and think of me as alone or lonely which sounds weird but gave me some weird sort of satisfaction like i'm kinda being seen even though these people don't really see me. but something has changed, i now feel a bit disgusted or annoyed when i see someone looking at me, as if i want to preserve myself and contain myself in a container and not be seen or perceived by anyone at all maybe which is why their faces kinda disgust me, though it isn't as major disgust towards them and it may be a phase. but i hope this feeling of feeling content within myself stays, now i look around and notice things (which i always did, but still kinda wanted someone to notice that i'm doing all that, back then) and i wanna be left alone to just doing my things, genuinely left alone.
i dont know if this means im getting some weird antisocial personality disorder but i like it, after years of people pleasing and wanting to be liked and understood, i like feeling content within myself even if for now it may be fueled by a slight hatred and disdain/disgust at how others live their lives. i was reading the brothers karamazov by dostoyevsky, and i read this line one or two days ago where there is this 'elder' who is some spiritual guy and people go for his blessings but that elder was saying how he feels disgust for humans, he could never be with any human alone because of how slow they eat, they get sick etc. and the more he hated particular humans, the more he developed this love for mankind.
now when i read this, i was shocked a bit but didnt understand his feeling which i kinda do now. but of course, my disgust towards them isn't because of these reasons but rather how selfish they all are and majorly because of how they don't question their lives and are performative and want everyone around them to act that way, it's weird i've always stopped myself from even thinking such thoughts because they are 'wrong' and i'd be such a nihilist or something. anyways, i also don't think i feel some love for mankind, it is rather love for nature and animals etc. not really humans or mankind so i still don't fully relate to the 'elder' but yeah.
also, i wouldn't say i completely don't wanna be seen because i always deeply wish to be understood but i haven't had that (except for one case, which is its own special case with its own complications) and i think eventually i feel tired of wishing that in others, so i have reached my peak alone phase i guess idk. but during my current existential crisis, i hope i will reach some conclusions that help shape my life majorly and i'm glad to have this outlet where i can keep track of this.
this existential crisis may be here to stay, and i want it to stay
i think earlier i wanted people to notice my loneliness but now, not anymore maybe because i have nothing to offer to these people anymore
sometimes the world (nature) is so beautiful, it makes me wanna cry
i'm such a good partner to myself?